I run a tight ship. By that I mean not much gets into my world. Some may say I have a small world, I think it stays drama free. Y’all know I’m talking about friends, right?
But I get that some of you need friends around. I’m not judging because each person is different and that each need is different. But let’s take a look at the place friendship has in our lives. According to Simple Psychology and Maslow, friendship has a definite role in our lives.
Before we move on to where friends fit into the equation I want you to pay attention to the fact that friendship is for sho’ NOT a basic need! So, if you’re one of those people who say ,” I can’t live without my friends!” I’m here to tell you, YES, yes you can! So let’s just take THAT mess off the table.
Relationships and friends may be a step up from the basic needs and fulfill a deeper psychological need . As social creatures we crave a feeling of belonging to group or social network. This is where most of us are stuck. Don’t believe me? Just look at the overwhelming preponderance of social media apps that promise to connect us to the world. We all want to connect with people.
So where am I going with this?
A few weeks ago a beautiful, accomplished female friend contacted me. She was gutted because she felt that she couldn’t form healthy relationships; that all her friendships fizzled out and she felt ostracized from her previously satisfying sense of social connectedness.
I could have said that she needed to make new friends. I could say that her friends sucked. I could even say that maybe there was something wrong with her. In fact, she actually thought it was her. She thought the problem must lay with her. Why else were all her social friendships falling apart? Why were they (gasp!) gossiping about her?
I didn’t say any of that though.
I DID tell her that:
- Social relationships aren’t always meant to last forever. Remember that “reason,season, lifetime” trope? Yep! I even went there!
- She probably started noticing the gossip and shitty behaviour that had been going on all along.
- Mebbe, just mebbe, there was an element of jealousy involved ( did I mention she is drop dead gorgeous?).
- They hadn’t changed. She had.
And there ( at #4) lay the kicker. SHE had changed.
She had leveled up. She had evolved. She had changed so much that she was afraid she didn’t recognize herself.
So look back at that pyramid of mr. M. See what I mean? She had now moved to the top of the pyramid and needed more from her life and needed to achieve self -actualization through various ways that would nourish and feed her needs.
Fortunately she is an extraordinarily accomplished woman and blogs about beauty issues the rest of us haven’t a clue about, and is creative as all heck. Did I mention she was GAWJUS?!
As for her friends, well they would continue on their journey. I advised her to move on and let them go. I asked her to release the anxiety and grief of the loss in any way that worked for her ( scream therapy, writing therapy, physical therapy aka movement or any other way that worked for her). It IS A loss – no matter how we look at it. The loss of a particular social connectiveness is a big deal.
However, there is no going back. In order to realize our greatest self, the highest version of ourselves, we have to be true to ourselves and let that shit go!
If you’re in a similar situation, realize that it’s not them, it’s YOU. Really. Then go out there, let that toxic stuff go and grow to where you need to be. Moss grows in the shade. Beautiful flowers turn and seek the sun. Be the flower, lovelies.
Does this resonate with you? Do you hold on to friendships or relationships that no longer feed you, serve you? Let me know what you’re doing about it in the comments.
Until next I blog,