So here I am. 40 -odd with some idea that there should be more to life, wanting desperately to find my purpose and failing miserably.
Most days I feel like this:
Going where the wind blows: from one situation to another. One issue to another. Lurching through life like a plastic bag in the wind.
I hate it. HATE IT!
I hate being so exhausted that I beg off “wifely duties” with embarrassing regularity. Being so tired that I have a veritable avalanche of books I mean to read but fall asleep two pages in. Being so spent my tired is tired. You know?
I’ve been struggling with this feeling of being directionless for a while. Feeling frustrated for a bit. Like a plastic bag in the wind.
This quote by Harold Whitman has been on my phone for a while.
Just sitting there. Eating up memory.
Then I decided to clear out all the “life changing memes” I downloaded. They didn’t do a damned thing because once I saved them I never looked at them again. It kind of defeated the purpose when all it really is is a pretty picture with some “deep and meaningful’ quote on it.
However, this one I couldn’t get rid of.
I read it.
I read it again.
I thought about it.
I had a good think on it again the next day.
And I realised something: I didn’t know what makes me “come alive”. I live for my family, my daughter. Big deal. Loads of women do that and a damned sight better than I do!
So what was it that made me light up?
I have no clue.
But being proactive is in my DNA. I had to DO SOMETHING about this lack of….
A while ago I watched a live FB stream by one of my idols,Marie Denee . She talked about “setting intentions’. Living with intention. I asked what that was. Sadly she didn’t respond.
So I headed to the interwebs and found…WOO! A whole lot of it.
Secrets. Law of attraction. Universe plans. Angels. Even THIS!
Totally turned off by the fuckery on the interwebs I left things as they were for bit…like a g-string that chafes, but you’re at a party and you can’t ” adjust”? Yeah, like that!
Until today. I was struggling to put what I wanted to say into words. A blogpost that should have been written in minutes took hours and hours. Writer’s block struck. I doodled, did my nails, messed with IG, and FB, learned about the madness that is Scientology(!) on YouTube and all the other things.
Until it was well after 10PM, I had written and deleted several drafts and still nada…
Then I went back to the drawing board.
A few years ago I had won a spot on the first ever Life Challenge hosted by Gulf News’s Aquarius magazine.
Part of of the life makeover was a sesh with Carolyn Coe , A NLP. I told her of my disdain of woo and she laughed at me. She also got me to do stupid shyte like past life regression (memories I’m not sure were real were revealed. Of a past life. Ja.) and vision boards.
I learned alot about stating what you wish to achieve. But after the Life Challenge was over I threw the vision board in the trash and got on with the business of living. No time for dreams , you see?
So here I am. Still trying to figure all this…STUFF out. Not knowing what I want, where I want to be, or how I plan on getting there.
I have no goals.
But I do have a new vision board app on my phone. I’m working on each of the areas slowly. I am thinking about what I want, even though I don’t exactly know how I’m going to get there.
- Know ONE THING I want to achieve the next day.
- Do just that.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Until next I blog,