All the times I attempted suicide in my head

My life is not quite what I had imagined.

For starters, I never thought I’d reach my 30th birthday.

Can you blame me, when events in my life has led me to believe I shouldn’t be alive?

From being born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck at birth, to a life threatening diagnosis of Guillain Barre at 21, to a serious car wreck ( I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt and flew through a windscreen, breaking most of the bones in my face and being in a medically induced coma for a month)two years later, to a Transient Ischaemic Attack 6 years ago – I was convinced the universe was trying to kill me and at some point would succeed.

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This post may be a bit darker than what you’re used to, but the whole reason I started this blog was so I could get things out of my head and into the world where the harsh glare of strangers could prove them imaginary or,as in my darkest nightmares, well-founded.

I probably need a therapist but I hate any kind of psychobabble that can’t be fixed by a bout of introspection and some Merlot.

So be it.

I wish I could say that I am a well- balanced individual. But alas, its not true. Part of this  is because I detest any sort of emotional displays or anything that seems “unseemly”. Emotions make me weak and weakness can be used against you.

Sad thing is, my 40-odd years on the planet has taught me this is true.

I do not even have the luxury of blaming my parents since they did what they knew to do, gave me a very comfortable life and the perspicacity to know myself and others. No, not for me the, “My mother never hugged me !” style outbursts.

What worries me is that the very shrewdness I pride myself in, is becoming more and more cynical as I age.

Things that would have elicited a chuckle a year ago are now barely able to lift a lip in mirth! I find myself forcing the part of me that has to interact with people, into existence. When someone (anyone outside my immediate family) makes a remark about some inconsequentiality, my first, almost unbearable urge, is to tell them to STFU!

I fear that my acidic tongue and natural “standoffishness” is becoming more vituperative as I get older. I find myself putting down inane conversation starters, turning an off the cuff remark into a unjustifiable put down and being more than a bitch, but being really mean!

I don’t quite know how to dilute it, or even just make it go away.

I have seen the memes that pollute SM try to exonerate this behaviour, but I shudder to think that I could be turning into one of those women who would need to be exonerated by a meme on Facebook!

You know the ones I’m talking about:

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and…

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It’s funny ‘cos it’s true.

I don’t want it to be.

Whatever I’d imagined for myself, this is not it.

I have  a marriage that needs work, a fractured family relationship ( I’m really tempted to let sleeping dogs lie with that one!) and a daughter to raise. Especially because I’m raising a daughter.

So, what do I do? I honestly don’t know. I’ve read about the affects of menopause, but according to my GP I’m too young and have a family history of women reaching late and almost imperceptible menopause. Barely a hot flash or moody breakdown to report!

Well shit.

Maybe it’s because ageing make some people cranky? Am I going to be the female version of Clint Eastwood’s character in Grand Torino?

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“Get off my fucking lawn!”

How does Betty White do it?

Damned if I know. I don’t know if I want to go with the flow and just let things happen, or do I try more of the outward smiles/inward screams thing?

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Do you ever wonder why you are the way you are? Help a sister out and drop a few hints and tips on how you deal with being in your own head a bit too much. 

Until next I blog, 

K.

10 thoughts on “All the times I attempted suicide in my head

  1. Hi. I actually related alot to what you say. I always felt I was born an old man and grumpy. I’m growing into my personality. My kids help keep me on the straight and narrow cos you have one have a sense of humour with kids. Another thing I’ve done recently (in the past couple months) is decided to be happy. For me, and I’m not saying it will work for everyone, making the decision to be happy and acknowledging that fact every morning has defos helped. Hope it helps you! Cole

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So grateful for the feedback. 😊I wouldn’t know how to just “be happy”…see? The cynic in me just can’t resist. I’m afraid I’ll feel like I’m faking it, you know? Like when you ah e to smile and eat the awful mince pie your mother in law insists on making “just for you”? It’s ok I’m small bursts. All day, every day? I dunno…
      I have to agree that my kid is the one person that makes me lol. Bless.
      I’m afraid I’m being pickled in vinegar…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You probably will feel like you’re faking it. I did. It felt foreign, it felt unnatural and forced, for a while… it’s like a mantra (I’m no hippy but the word fits) repeated over and over, reaffirming it to yourself daily or even hourly. The phrase “fake it till you make it” comes to mind. I know it sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo but for real, it works, if you want (and I mean really) want it to! It’s like anything in life, we can dwell, accept or change.
        That’s just my opinion though. Good luck and I hope something I said can seep in and help. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  2. My apologies for not leaving a comment here when I first visited this post. Your life experiences and the way you have dealt with them shows a huge strength in character. I think as we age, women especially, wake up to the fact that keeping our mouths shut when things are not right is longer an option. I know I am much more vocal these days and care a lot less about what other people think of me and my opinions. I much prefer people who are straight talking and have little time for those that talk BS.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No apologies needed. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
      I have to agree with your view that aging gives one perspective, and courage even. People are always going to have an opinion on how I live my life and what choices I make.
      Previously I would keep quiet and let them say what they wanted. Now I fight back and this blog is one way of getting it all of my chest.
      Thank you for your support. I follow your blog because you are experiencing what I’m about to go through with peri-menopause. You write with great insight and sensitivity and I do hope you put all the blogs into a book on peri- and menopause.
      I for one would buy it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Like you I have a lot to say and blogging is a great way to express those thoughts and ideas running around wild in our heads. I spent the first 51 years dancing to someone elses tune, now I refuse to spend my remaining years that way. I’m not sure where I’m going or where I will end up. But what I am certain about is, I am living life on my terms, my way and its going to be fun. Learning from people like yourself is something that I value a great deal. I am so pleased we have been able to connect and look forward to learning more. I always find your posts to be honest and real, you have a unique way of communicating your point of view and I always come away either having learnt something useful or pondering deeper as I try to see where they fit in with my beliefs – both are good. The post on feminism springs to mind.

        Liked by 1 person

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