Why social media will ruin your life

I have all of the interwebs things.

I have a very smart phone, that can rap. Ask Siri to beatbox sometime. It’s gold!

I have a laptop that only works because I have all of the hardware and software known to mankind installed. Other than that, it’s a fancy thing I bang on to release frustrations.

Other women have dildos, I have….jaaa.

There’s also a Pad thingy that does lawd knows what.

Until recently, my knowledge of the apps needed to run them, was limited to convos like this:

Me: G? What is this thing on my phone?

G: Oh, it’s an app that measures the quality of sleep you’ll have by sensing the ambient temperature in the room.

Me: Ohkaaay. Thanks.

After a few conversations like this with my then 6 year old, I decided it was well past time that I found out what the Store on my phone was all about.

10 mins in, I had all of the things. Why do they make apps sound so wonderful when you’re there? Gosh!

An hour later I had games, weather apps, news apps, photography apps, etcetera. My phone became my new best friend. It’s ah – may- zing!

Then, of course,I had to figure out how all the stuff worked.

It took a while to discover that apps developed in China or India (hey, hey!) would have technical glitches and many errors in spelling, grammar and syntax and would require many updates.

Eventually it dawned on me that apart from making my phone slow AF, I really didn’t use any of the apps after the first buzz of excitement wore off. In fact, the only apps I needed were Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.

And my wardrobe app that let’s me plan my outfits. ICYMI, I’m anal retentive and plan my outifts a week in advance.

So I set out to sync my phone with my computer. Lemme tell you THAT was a revelation in itself. It was almost like they were talking to each other! Finally all the things I could do on my laptop, I could now do on my smartphone! I had my Damascene moment!

So here are the things I do on the SM apps that are on my phone:

Facebook:

Is purely for shit stirring. I am vocal about many things and am a prolific meme sharer. I debate, share and generally offend on FB. It’s all fun and games until mr. Zuckerberg doesn’t approve of something you said while on a high from a debate with a fuckwad. I have been in FB jail once, and for one month my life made no sense.

Since starting with the business of blogging, I am using the Pages thingy to get followers. I don’t quite know what to do with the followers, or why FB wants me to “promote” to get more of them, but there you go.

I think followers are like church people at your door – you invite them in, serve them tea and cookies, and then you wonder what they want? I dunno….

Twitter:

I am lost as to why Twitter is a thing. I get that people with limited vocabulary (coff, Donald,coff!) could like the brevity of interaction it promotes.

But I am wordy. I like words. I use words all the time. So unless it’s for the thing that Bloglovin’ ( oh jaaa, follow me there too, neh?) posts there everytime a blog goes live -I only post funny GIFs, swear words and short expletive ridden thoughts on South African shenanigans. And Twitter hasn’t jailed me once. Which is nice.

One thing: I learned who AKA, Bonang and some other person  who’d slept with AKA were, via Twitter. So there’s that.

Instagram:

The place where the pretty people live. Seriously.

I go there when I want to feel ugly.

How do so many pretty people have so many different “lewks”? I can’t even get it together to blowdry my hair, but the pretty people on IG have shiny legs, reams of thick, swingy hair and impossibly tiny waists with massively huge arses!

I dunno how they do it!

There’s a new thing on IG now…the “Story”…WTF is that? Is it a Snapchat type thing with perfectly normal people morphing into dogs, bees and bunnies? WTH is happening…?

Pinterest:

Every single dream I have ever had for myself , is on Pinterest.

I want every cake, dress, DIY cream and wardrobe on my Pinterest boards. I live vicariously and hopelessly through the wondrous pinnings of those with alot more time and talent.

Every day is awesome on Pinterest. You cannot have a bad day if you are on Pinterest. Pinterest is the pretty, popular girl at school that everyone genuinely likes because she’s just so nice!

Pinterest is what we all could be if be got off our asses and did some of the things we keep pinning. ‘Struth.

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So there you have it. I would invite you to follow me on all of these, but I’m out of cookies.

Until next I blog, 

K

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